Have you ever noticed that a lot of people who practice spirituality tend to be immersed in story? “I’m a Sagittarius ascendant, Capricorn moon twin flame going through my Saturn return, and in my past life, I was a deserter in the Civil War.” I say this with love and a touch of humor, because I’ve done it too.
We’ll always have story; it’s how we make sense of our lives. The caveat is that you want to make sure the story you’re telling is helpful instead of limiting.
When I was looking for my twin flame, much of the time, I was thinking that it had to be a particular person. I was upset and frustrated. Those emotions were useful, because they got me started in my journey of learning to be happy alone. Subconsciously, I realized the term “twin flame” was one that made healthy, passionate, true love seem far-off and fantastical. It was a limiting story for me. I began the gradual process of detaching from that – which wasn’t easy for me – and learning to have fun with life again.
I’m in a happy relationship now. I sometimes still wonder what on earth I did to deserve a great guy like him, I have been thinking back on what I must have been doing right in order to bring him into my life. I came up with a list that I wanted to share here, especially for those who may be losing hope.
Please don’t judge yourself if you cannot yet do the following, but know that they do help in moving you forward if you feel stuck.
#1: I stopped following the person I thought of as my twin on social media. I messaged him less frequently. I was able to do this because I believed taking action and checking up on him wasn’t necessary to attract him, if this was the connection I believed it to be. Whenever I checked on him or got no response, my mood dipped and I got tired of the way it made me feel. Getting tired of a feeling can be very effective in stopping the behavior pattern that generates it! It is not necessary to block or be mean, or to send a long message detailing all the ways that person has hurt you. Just stop doing what makes you feel crappy. Care about your well-being more than you care about that other person, even if just for a moment.
#2: I stopped looking up twin flame websites, newsletters, podcasts, etc. There are some really amazing writers and speakers out there who focus on this topic, no doubt. Everyone has an interesting perspective and wisdom to offer. But how much time are you investing here? That’s time that you could be spending with friends, improving your living space, or practicing an art or a skill. Or you could just be relaxing and not thinking so much about how you’ll get into a happy relationship with your twin flame. As with anything, check into your feeling state before taking action. If twin flame material is a time-consuming security blanket for you, maybe it’s time to consider cutting back if not entirely stepping away.
#3: I got involved in other aspects of my life. I looked more at my job, living situation, and social life and did what I could to make them better. If I couldn’t do that, I found ways of appreciating what I had. Love is great and arguably the most important area of life. It’s probably what most think about on their death bed, after all. But it isn’t the only one.
#4: I stopped thinking in terms of what needed to be “healed” or “fixed” and started thinking of all the new, amazing things I could create. Healing has its place, but most of it is centered on the past. Creation is about your present and future. Try to balance your healing with creation. Sometimes we get so fixated on solving a problem that we don’t consider what comes next. What can we do from an improved state of mind, or how might we look at life differently? What new hobbies, friends, or abilities might you have? What might you desire next?
#5: I didn’t give up. I knew maybe, maybe the person I’d had my eye on could be with me someday. Then I let it go, meaning I let myself stop worrying about how to make it happen. I stopped waiting, and I didn’t think about him in despair or second-guess my decision. When I didn’t click with someone new, it wasn’t a huge deal anymore. I had my share of boring or bad dates, but I either laughed at them later or forgot them. I stopped making it mean that I would be alone forever. I dated more with a sense of curiosity and intention of brushing up on conversational skills, knowing that if things got real, I would be able to tell by my emotions. I trusted that guidance system and didn’t take “failures” so seriously.
And through all this, someone came into my life, someone new. All of the above were prerequisites, or else I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now. I wouldn’t have been able to let him in. I would have been stuck in limiting stories. Sometimes you don’t end up with the person you think you want, not because you’re not good enough, but because they aren’t what you truly want. They can’t love you or be there for you in the way you need.
I still believe in twin flames, enjoy the concept, and love new and empowering information on the subject. I have also realized that the wisdom of our Higher Selves can often be in conflict with what we think we want. If the idea of letting go in the ways I’ve described here makes you feel sad, maybe you aren’t ready yet. You can honor that because life will still take you where you need to be. It took me a long time to arrive at a point emotionally where I could do all the above, and when it happened, it felt so easy. I really didn’t have to think about it; I just did it.
We tell ourselves a lot of stories, but we should tell them with the understanding that maybe we don’t fully understand. That the story is still being written. That it will never be finished and is always open to revision.
And if we don’t like the story, we always have the power to change it.