Twin Flames & How I Got My Happy Relationship

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Have you ever noticed that a lot of people who practice spirituality tend to be immersed in story? “I’m a Sagittarius ascendant, Capricorn moon twin flame going through my Saturn return, and in my past life, I was a deserter in the Civil War.” I say this with love and a touch of humor, because I’ve done it too.

We’ll always have story; it’s how we make sense of our lives. The caveat is that you want to make sure the story you’re telling is helpful instead of limiting.

When I was looking for my twin flame, much of the time, I was thinking that it had to be a particular person. I was upset and frustrated. Those emotions were useful, because they got me started in my journey of learning to be happy alone. Subconsciously, I realized the term “twin flame” was one that made healthy, passionate, true love seem far-off and fantastical. It was a limiting story for me. I began the gradual process of detaching from that – which wasn’t easy for me – and learning to have fun with life again.

I’m in a happy relationship now. I sometimes still wonder what on earth I did to deserve a great guy like him, I have been thinking back on what I must have been doing right in order to bring him into my life. I came up with a list that I wanted to share here, especially for those who may be losing hope.

Please don’t judge yourself if you cannot yet do the following, but know that they do help in moving you forward if you feel stuck.

#1: I stopped following the person I thought of as my twin on social media. I messaged him less frequently. I was able to do this because I believed taking action and checking up on him wasn’t necessary to attract him, if this was the connection I believed it to be. Whenever I checked on him or got no response, my mood dipped and I got tired of the way it made me feel. Getting tired of a feeling can be very effective in stopping the behavior pattern that generates it! It is not necessary to block or be mean, or to send a long message detailing all the ways that person has hurt you. Just stop doing what makes you feel crappy. Care about your well-being more than you care about that other person, even if just for a moment.

#2: I stopped looking up twin flame websites, newsletters, podcasts, etc. There are some really amazing writers and speakers out there who focus on this topic, no doubt. Everyone has an interesting perspective and wisdom to offer. But how much time are you investing here? That’s time that you could be spending with friends, improving your living space, or practicing an art or a skill. Or you could just be relaxing and not thinking so much about how you’ll get into a happy relationship with your twin flame. As with anything, check into your feeling state before taking action. If twin flame material is a time-consuming security blanket for you, maybe it’s time to consider cutting back if not entirely stepping away.

#3: I got involved in other aspects of my life. I looked more at my job, living situation, and social life and did what I could to make them better. If I couldn’t do that, I found ways of appreciating what I had. Love is great and arguably the most important area of life. It’s probably what most think about on their death bed, after all. But it isn’t the only one.

#4: I stopped thinking in terms of what needed to be “healed” or “fixed” and started thinking of all the new, amazing things I could create. Healing has its place, but most of it is centered on the past. Creation is about your present and future. Try to balance your healing with creation. Sometimes we get so fixated on solving a problem that we don’t consider what comes next. What can we do from an improved state of mind, or how might we look at life differently? What new hobbies, friends, or abilities might you have? What might you desire next?

#5: I didn’t give up. I knew maybe, maybe the person I’d had my eye on could be with me someday. Then I let it go, meaning I let myself stop worrying about how to make it happen. I stopped waiting, and I didn’t think about him in despair or second-guess my decision. When I didn’t click with someone new, it wasn’t a huge deal anymore. I had my share of boring or bad dates, but I either laughed at them later or forgot them. I stopped making it mean that I would be alone forever. I dated more with a sense of curiosity and intention of brushing up on conversational skills, knowing that if things got real, I would be able to tell by my emotions. I trusted that guidance system and didn’t take “failures” so seriously.

And through all this, someone came into my life, someone new. All of the above were prerequisites, or else I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now. I wouldn’t have been able to let him in. I would have been stuck in limiting stories. Sometimes you don’t end up with the person you think you want, not because you’re not good enough, but because they aren’t what you truly want. They can’t love you or be there for you in the way you need.

I still believe in twin flames, enjoy the concept, and love new and empowering information on the subject. I have also realized that the wisdom of our Higher Selves can often be in conflict with what we think we want. If the idea of letting go in the ways I’ve described here makes you feel sad, maybe you aren’t ready yet. You can honor that because life will still take you where you need to be. It took me a long time to arrive at a point emotionally where I could do all the above, and when it happened, it felt so easy. I really didn’t have to think about it; I just did it.

We tell ourselves a lot of stories, but we should tell them with the understanding that maybe we don’t fully understand. That the story is still being written. That it will never be finished and is always open to revision.

And if we don’t like the story, we always have the power to change it.

Fear of Joy

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Following your joy can feel foreign or even scary, especially if you’re used to policing or censoring yourself. This can happen when we use the responses of other people to guide what we say and do. You might do this when you tell yourself, “I shouldn’t express my strong feelings of love, because they may not be received well.” You might worry your relationship is too good to be true. Self-policing can trickle into the smaller, everyday things you do. You might stop yourself from having that second cup of coffee in the morning, not because you believe it’s bad for you, but because someone else told you it is.

Whenever you stop yourself from doing what feels good because it seems more logical, or you’re comparing yourself to others, you’re cutting yourself off from your Source. I have found that I do this any time I stop to wonder, “What will people think?” We all do it, but the degree to which we do it is something to consider.

Right and wrong are not worked out solely in the thinking mind, but also in the heart. If an idea makes you feel good, or you feel no need to hesitate before enacting it, then it’s a good move. If you feel overly anxious, like it’s not the right time, or you’re focused on limitations, it might need to cook for a while longer. Ideally, the heart and mind should work in tandem with one another. Many of us have an imbalance when it comes to the importance we place on one or the other.

We police ourselves in a lot of ways, sometimes without knowing. I used to look at the news first thing in the morning or reply to work e-mails as soon as I opened my eyes. This was when I believed that stress and suffering were necessary parts of life. They may be inevitable at times, but they are not required parts of our experience. They are not our “amount due” in exchange for a good time. Life is much better when we follow the bread crumb trail of what feels good and deal with limitations or “hiccups” as they come, when we’re in the right mindset to handle them productively.

We tell ourselves it is irresponsible to have too much fun, to have peace. We believe we’ll have to pay the piper if we have too much of the good stuff. We shut down on others and cut ourselves off from love when we fear grief.

Now, to go off on a small tangent on grief… I’ve seen quotes about how it is the price we pay for love. I agree, but only because we’re human and perceive separation as truth. We’re not always open to communication from those in the non-physical, and we perceive them as being gone. Otherwise, there would be no grief. Love does not come with a price, although it may seem so from a human perspective. There are things we do for those we love that may sometimes stray far from the norm. Some might declare these things inconveniences. This is all in how you’re choosing to look at things. As for me, I’d like to banish words such as “sacrifice” and “inconvenience” from my vocabulary.

You might wonder, “What if doing what feels good leads to overindulgence?” The good feelings that are purely from our Source, Higher Self, etc. do not motivate us to do things in excess or seek numbing agents. These activities may be drinking alcohol, shopping, eating, etc. When aligned and feeling good, knowing exactly who you are, you might choose to gamble or have a few drinks. But there isn’t this need to go overboard, numb, or lose yourself when you’re coming from a place of balance and wholeness. You can do anything or be with anybody when you come from that place.

Dwelling on what has felt or gone awry in the past can also take you off your bread crumb trail. I have done a lot of dwelling in my life; I’ve gotten some great poetry out of it. Other times, I got nothing from it except another sleepless night. Keeping certain thoughts active brought only more pain. I thought about people who had done things that hurt me, things I couldn’t understand. The more thinking, talking, and writing I did about them, the longer I was stuck in that energy, perpetuating it.

There is a difference between constructive remembering and dwelling. When you feel like dwelling, there is also a difference between stuffing unpleasant feelings and simply dropping what feels too heavy to hold in that moment. You can be aware of how something makes you feel and learn from it without reliving it for a long time. What helps me move forward from a painful experience is knowing that the lessons of the past brought me to a place where I can fully appreciate my present and attract better experiences.

Your life is yours, and no one spends as much time with your feelings and choices as you do. If they did, they might not be questioning you so much.  Joy is a well-deserved reward that comes to you when you apply the lessons you’ve learned from the past. There is no limited supply of it, and the heart and mind are not enemies.

Do not waste one moment in regret, for to think feelingly of the mistakes of the past is to reinfect yourself. “Let the dead bury the dead” [Matthew 8:22; Luke 9:60]. Turn from appearances and assume the feeling that would be yours, were you already the one you wish to be. – Neville Goddard

You Are More Powerful and Intelligent Than You Know

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You are not at the mercy of the universe or some power outside you for anything you want. Sometimes, however, your deepest desires may be at more intuitive, subconscious levels than you realize.

What’s something you’ve always thought of or fantasized about doing, and how does it conflict with what you may be manifesting at a conscious level?

As an example, I’ve often daydreamed about being a guitarist and playing on stage. But consciously, I’ve put more focus into my day job, writing, and love life. Conscious manifesting requires being realistic about our limits of time and energy and directing our resources in ways that can help achieve a goal. While I still enjoy fantasizing about being a famous guitarist and singer, and I will continue music lessons, I know that being a guitarist in a more significant sense is not the direction I’m manifesting in at present. I’m okay with that.

But sometimes, this happens in ways that aren’t as easy to accept. For instance, one can deeply desire a committed, stable relationship, yet constantly find himself drawn to unavailable partners or relationships where conflict abounds. This was the case for me – I shrugged off the idea of there being just one available, loving person I could be with and be happy, and yet, I craved a relationship like this. I couldn’t admit to myself that I wanted it, and it was even harder for me to believe that I deserved it. Who was I to have someone in my life to be wholly devoted to and loving me? It turns out, this wasn’t such a crazy idea…

And that’s really what is at the heart of any advice where someone says, “The universe has something better in mind for you.” You are the universe; if anything in your reality doesn’t satisfy or feel good to you, it’s at conflict with what You, at your Core, at your Essence, want for yourself.

When you strip away the past wounding and the ideas around what is possible for you, this is the undiluted truth of your heart.

You Deserve Love That Excites You

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Yes, you. You deserve love that excites you.

I’ve noticed a lot of people associating a feeling of “butterflies” with anxiety or an unhealthy relationship dynamic. I’m of the opinion that there are different categories of butterflies. Yes, some can be from a nervous feeling you get just before you take uninspired action (i.e. action stemming from anxiety or a sense that you can’t have what you want). It may have also come up if you’ve ever been in an abusive situation that left you shaking and with knots in your stomach.

But then there are the butterflies you get right before you kiss someone you’ve wanted to kiss for a long time. There is the electricity of skin on skin contact with someone you adore. There are feelings of warmth that you get all over when you’re in someone’s arms, someone you care for, someone special to you. These are good butterflies. These are the ones you deserve to experience.

I feel that a lot of people have been settling into connections where their heart isn’t all in, or maybe they are even a bit bored, because they feel safer in those. They don’t bring up those feelings of anxiety or neediness. There is nothing wrong with that. But as a free spirit, I prefer being alone over a situation where I feel just so-so. I have worked hard for everything I have in my life, and I don’t want to share it with just anyone. I have a big heart and beautiful love to give, and I want to share it with someone who wants every bit of that, who is willing to give it back.

I used to believe the Universe was something outside me, an external force guiding all the decisions of my life and the people who enter it. The Universe seemed cruel, for it would introduce me to someone I love and then seem to pull them away. “There is someone better,” everyone would tell me, but this started to sound like a broken record the fourth and fifth times it happened. I got tired of it. Something better was always projected out into the future and never within my grasp.

There comes a time when you’ve healed enough to trust the yearnings of your heart, but if you continually believe that something better is in the future and not right now, you make that true. Of course, it is possible to keep attracting new people, but if this belief is not addressed, the outcomes can all be the same.

And so what is there to do when you’ve realized you can trust in what or who you want, but nothing seems to come of it yet? You can rest in the knowing that you deserve that love and live your life knowing it is already yours. There is nothing you need to do or be to get that love. You already have it. There is no void, and there is nothing wrong.

Love can be a feeling long before it becomes an action. If it is possible for you to think of someone every day and yet not reach out to them for months or years, or show external signs of that love, or tell all your friends about it, why should it be so impossible that the feeling could be reciprocal?

This is not to say that you should put your life on hold or that you will need to wait more months and years, but life takes on an entirely different hue when you move forward in it knowing you are loved and you can trust your heart. Life becomes gentler. The Universe feels like a friend. It is much easier to be engaged in your life, whether alone or with someone else, when you have a core belief that you are loved by those you love and everything is alright. Not just alright, but wonderful.

The Universe isn’t cruel. It isn’t anything, other than what you make it.

There isn’t some Jedi Council sitting out in the ether discussing your potential mates, comparing ancient scrolls and deciding who is supposed to be in your life and who is supposed to leave.

There is nothing outside you deciding how your life is supposed to go, unless you truly want and believe that. A lot of people are probably comforted by such ideas, but I am not.

You deserve love that excites you. You deserve to be with the people you love. But if that isn’t possible right now, you deserve to go on creating a life that you love, free of worry. There truly is nothing to worry about. The ones you’re missing now will catch up to you.

There is an over-used quote that many people have said to me about love, and it is this: “Love finds you when you least expect it.” I believe it should be modified to: “You are already loved, and this will become more apparent to you become more engaged in your life and no longer need that love or see it as something to fill your void. You have no void.”

Everything you choose for yourself should excite you and give you good feelings.

And yes, sometimes these feelings will be good butterflies. So don’t be afraid of them!

Living As If – It’s Simpler Than You Think

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“Living as if” has been one of those LOA concepts that was always unclear to me.

If you live as if you’re a millionaire, does that mean you’re supposed to go on a shopping spree with your credit cards? Then you sit back and know that the money to pay your bill will come in before your balance becomes past due? If you live as if you already have the relationship you desire, does that mean you can never flirt with anyone else? That you should never bask in the attention of another suitor?

I’ve come to understand this concept in a new way this year, and I want to share my take on it. As a result of living this way, life has become more relaxed. Negative thoughts aren’t as big of a deal as they used to be. And it works!

Living as if isn’t about doing anything that is outside your comfort zone to prove that you are in alignment with your desire. Let’s throw out the idea that we ever have to do anything to prove to the universe that we’re in alignment or deserving.

Alignment is about your ability to feel good and at peace. If you care about how you feel and make your peace a priority, then alignment will come more naturally to you. As far as deserving goes – abundance, love, joy, and peace are our birthright. While some of us may not have come into this life choosing those things, no one person is any more or less deserving of them than another.

In the example of attracting financial abundance, I would try thinking more from the perspective of someone who has been a millionaire for quite some time. If I had been a millionaire for years, and this was my life now, I wouldn’t go on big spending binges or shopping sprees often. Yes, I know that might sound strange. For some of you, maybe retail therapy is your love language to yourself, but it is not mine. Even if it is your language, making a subtle shift first is all it takes to move into this mindset of abundance and create that reality for yourself.

Instead, I would be mindful of the small, day-to-day thoughts I have about money. I would shift my thoughts toward the perspective of having been a millionaire for several years. In that reality, I wouldn’t feel guilty about spending a little extra for a healthy meal that I don’t have to cook myself. I wouldn’t feel concerned about taking money out of my savings account for home repairs or a down payment on a new car. These are all necessary things that add quality to my life.

When a company party came up, and the boss asked everyone to contribute $15 for a small gift, I wouldn’t grumble about that. I wouldn’t feel burdened by it. What’s $15 to a millionaire?

You don’t need to go out of your way or make big purchases that will stress you out later. If you could simply attach less worry to these things that come up in your day-to-day, that would make a huge difference. It’s true that money can’t buy love, but it can eliminate a whole lot of sleepless nights and headaches. Therefore, abundance feels like peace. What other words come to mind when you think of a life where you can always provide for yourself (and have fun, too)?

They key is making small, simple shifts that feel good. It’s not about the dollar amounts you spend or making some grand gesture to prove you’re a different person. Lining up with your more desired version of you is about what you’re thinking in each moment. It’s not only about what you’re doing, but the energy behind those actions. It is better not to take actions that will draw your attention to when and how the windfall is going to come. That puts you in a state of noticing and reaffirming that it’s not here yet, which only attracts more of that reality.

Ask yourself some questions about how you’re spending your day presently. What would be different about that if you were already living your desired reality? “For starters, I wouldn’t go to work!” you might say. Yes, that’s a very good point. You can still go to work without attaching so much importance to the negativity you feel about it. Think about what would make your job more bearable. It is okay if you can’t quite imagine yourself at your dream job or never having to work. Experiencing negative feelings and unwanted manifestations doesn’t have to be a big deal. It is only the importance you attach to them that creates “blocks.”

If you had the relationship you desire, would you be checking your phone throughout the day? Would you scroll through Facebook for hours? This is a nervous habit that many people have, this desire to “check up” on things. When the present reality is far from your desired one, it is better to ignore it as much as possible. Scrolling through your phone to check for signs of your manifestation – or checking anything external for confirmation – is not the best idea. And it’s not living as if.

Should you enjoy the attentions of others or date other people if there is a specific relationship you want to manifest? On the one hand, I feel it is a good idea because it can boost your self-esteem. On the other hand, it may only make you more aware that the person you truly love is absent. These are potentials that you must weigh for yourself. There are no universal rules in manifesting, and there are no limits. It all comes down to your beliefs and feelings. Your truths.

As always, I believe in you. I know you have the ability to create a life you love with everything you desire and more.

Have a great week!

How Our Beliefs Shape Our Interactions

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What is it that you’re believing, feeling, and thinking about yourself? If you don’t know, then getting to the bottom of this can be extraordinarily helpful when it comes to manifesting relationships!

The truth (for me) is, we interpret ALL situations through our beliefs – social, professional, financial, home, you name it. My anecdote today is based on relationships.

That we interpret situations through our beliefs is most obvious in cases of ambiguity, where another person’s feelings and intentions remain unspoken. We’re left to fill in the blank about what might be going through their mind… and that’s not always a great thing, if your self-talk is not based in kindness. If you believe negative things about yourself, you’ll often project these onto other people. This projection in turn can cause them to push away from you – it’s a vicious cycle of belief, projection, reception. Let me give you an example.

Almost exactly one year ago, I went to a meditation led by a spiritual teacher who is popular in my area. It was completely happenstance, and I had no idea what to expect. The meditation was powerful and fun. I spoke to this person who led it before and after the meditation. I felt an instant, magnetic attraction to him. I loved his smile and the way he went in for a hug before telling me goodnight.

I handed him my business card since that had my phone number on it, and I decided to leave the interpretation of that gesture up to him. To be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted with him, but since I felt that chemistry, I was willing to find out.

To my very pleasant surprise, I received a message from him the next day, asking if we could meet up. He sent me the address to a beautiful lake house, and I made my way to him.

It was clear through his energy that he felt attracted to me. We had a nice time together. I listened to him play the guitar and we chatted for a while. But after that day, he went back to touring and didn’t contact me anymore. He never spoke of his thoughts or feelings toward me that day or afterward. I didn’t know if he wanted to be friends, lovers, nothing…? If he was just curious? I assumed he didn’t have interest anymore after meeting me, or he was disappointed by me somehow.

I assumed I had messed everything up, and I felt quite depressed about this for a long time. I never entertained positive possibilities, such as:

  • He may have felt afraid of how strong the attraction was.
  • Maybe he liked me, but his life was too hectic for him to feel he had anything to offer me. He didn’t want to get my hopes up.
  • He could have already been in another relationship. This was not ideal, but still better than me not being good enough.
  • Maybe I didn’t like him as much as I thought, and I just wanted him to reach out so that I could feel validated. (Ouch… but I’m being honest!) Intuitively, he could have picked up on that.

Instead, I was looking at myself critically and thinking if only I had done something different, maybe things would have turned out better. I was also angry at him for his lack of communication. I thought of the beach house and the beauty of that day, the electricity in the air from our energies first recognizing one another the night before it. It felt horrible, when I felt as though all of it had slipped away from me because of some failing on my part. I went back and forth between anger at myself and anger at him. Since I’ve been studying the LOA more over the last year, I had to come to terms with the fact that I attracted this situation – the good and the bad.

My core belief about myself at that time was that I was not enough. I saw the situation only through that lens. Some of my favorite LOA teachers say that everything in life is neutral and is only “activated” by the meaning you give it. In the absence of a very clear meaning for this man no longer contacting me, I assigned the situation a negative interpretation.

I felt bad about that memory for a year after it occurred. I am not blaming myself for feeling this way, and I no longer wish that things had gone differently. I am acknowledging what I held as truth at the time and seeing how that could have influenced the situation, made it turn out the way it did. People, whether intuitively gifted or not, can unwittingly pick up on how we feel about ourselves. It influences the way they treat us, for better or for worse.

Now that I am coming into a much more positive view of myself, I am seeing these other possibilities. Yet I have found through my shifting that I no longer have an interest in this man. That can happen as you raise your vibration. As you shift, it’s natural to change your mind about the things or relationships you want. Even if you don’t change your mind, it’s a wonderful sign if you come to a state of relaxation about the situation or person you want in your life. This helps you to detach and allow the universe to orchestrate things for your desired outcome.

Now, with other people I enjoy, I have become much more conscious of my underlying thoughts and am able to shift them more easily, if needed. I have been working on my self-love and self-worth a lot over the past year. In cases where things are open-ended, I direct my thoughts toward the good possibilities. Just about one hundred percent of the time, my relationships with these people improve as a result.

For instance, if a friend does not return my call or e-mail, I think to myself, “I am sure he’s busy and will get back to me when he has time. He wants to communicate when he can focus and give me his undivided attention.” (The old way was to assume I had done something wrong and believe that person would never contact me again.)

I do not cling to the positive thoughts for dear life or feel desperate to get a response. I am not trying to convince myself that everything is okay so that I can feel better. I already feel good. It is not a means to an end. I don’t need the people I love to validate me anymore. It’s nice when they do, but I don’t feel debilitated and worthless if they don’t.

I already feel okay exactly as I am, which is key. I let go or distract myself after feeling this positive emotion, this acceptance. In this way, I have often found that the person in my mind reaches out to me within 24 hours or less.

The more ambiguous or open-ended a situation, the easier it can be to direct the energy toward a positive outcome. This is especially true if you can exercise self-love and self-worth. It is still possible in cases where a relationship or situation has become difficult or you and your person no longer speak. It can be harder to shift the energy when that is the case, since we tend to hold on to the negative memories and fear that unwanted situations will repeat. This is why I would suggest using LOA to shift ambiguous situations into positive ones first. You’ll want to prove to yourself that you can really do it, before you try this method on a more difficult situation or person.

What might have happened, if I had gone home from the lake house feeling reassured and strong within myself, rather than doubting and worrying whether this person would call me? Well, I don’t know, and it truly doesn’t matter. The outcome may have been slightly different, but now, I don’t feel that the attraction to him ran as deeply as I thought it did when we met. I am glad this happened because if it had not, I might not be writing this blog now. Now I am intending that I am done with learning hard and heartbreaking lessons through how others treat me, because I know how to treat myself with love and respect. Now I can manifest with the people who are truly meant to be in my heart.

If you have noticed painful patterns repeating in your relationships, take a look at your core beliefs about yourself. Where does your mind go when someone’s intentions toward you are left unclear? Do you automatically go to doubt and fear, or can you relax into who you are and what you know?

Please know I am here to help and always wishing the best for you.